I got so mad today, that I scared myself. I didn't want her to growing up with people yelling at her, like me. I scream and scream but all she did was cry. I didn't knew if she was wet or it was her milk. I got scared, I just couldn't do it myself but I was the only one she had up with her. She just so little and I'm just a teenager. I don't know what to do.


 I needed help, so I ask my older sister but all she did was get mad at her. So I hold her and tried to put her to sleep but she didn't want her milk. So I made a new bottle but it didn't help. I didn't know what to do, I was so scared that I started crying.

She and I was crying. I looked into her eyes, she was sleepy as I was. So I got up and made a new bottle. She was hungry I knew that but she didn't take her bottle. This time I change the bottle to a clean one and that work.

She was falling asleep slowly. As she was falling asleep I begin talking to her, telling her I was sorry and that I didn't mean to yelling and that I will try my best to stop being to sad and mad. I cried as she was asleep. She was just so small and I was just so scared.

If I can't take care of her then I can't take care of myself. A baby small as a teddy bear and so soft. I don't think I can take care of her. There's no way that I can take care of her. I'll keeping on trying to change for her but I'm just to scared that she'll grow up in this family, yelling at her.

I hope she just doesn't grow up thinking her mother doesn't love her, like me or with everyone yelling and screaming at her. What can I do, I'm just to scared that I start crying. I want her to grow up different from everyone. I want her to be happy that she is alive.

I want her to always smile for everyone. I hug her and hug her, I tell her that I love her and I always mean it but i'm just to scared to take care of her. She is a baby and I love her. My little sister, she needs her mother but my mom is always gone. I'm the one who is always there for her but I'm to scared that if I let her go she'll be taking away.

Love hurts I know it but why do most of my friends say he isn't the right guy for me becuase he just keep telling his friends we arn't dating? He knows it and he ask me out but why is he telling everyone these words, "we're not together."

He say he loves me but not in fornt of friends, why is that? He ask for sex, big question but my answer is always the same, "not ready."  He say okay then he has to go, what is up with that? He always ask me and when I say no, he leaves.

Is my answer to sex a bad or a good thing? he say he loves me and wants me to be happy but why does he leave when my answer to that question is no? I don't know what to say to that question but no or should it be a yes? I don't know what to say.

I love him and he loves me but I still don't know what my answer should be? We been together for about five months. I guess it is about time a guy asks the girl that question, am I right or wrong?

Sex and love, I don't think they are a good mix. Could he just be using me for sex like my friends said or that he really loves me and wants me to be really his? I don't know any answer even if people always say, "the answer are all in you, you just got to know when it's time for you to let them out."

I don't know about my answer to let out at all, I think I let all my answers out. My friends say he only telling me he loves me becuase he all he wants is sex. Is that true that most guys only say that to girl becuase they want sex? I hope it isn't, I really hope that isn't true.

Love is what god as giving us to find that someone in our lives but if its fake for using that someone you fooled for sex then what is about love for sex only? I don't think love and sex mix unlest it's for that someone you really loved but what if you really love him and he say he loves you, you believe what he said. Does that make it true that they are ready for the big question.

There are a lot of reason that  someone only say, "I love you." You just don't know what he  said is true or not. I hope it's true not only for sex.

I love this boy a lot but I don't think he really loves me. When we are together, my heart will not stop beating but I don't think he feels the same as I do. We're together for about five months but I still feel like he only think of us as friends.

He never did anything sweet for me, all he does is joke around. I don't mind that at all but why does he always have to make up lies for us not to hang out in front of his friends? I just don't get it at all.

He tells me he loves me, it makes me happy and sad at the same time, why is that? Does he mean everything he said? Did he really love me? I just want to know but I don't think he'll ever tell me.

He told me he wanted to break up because of a guy that liked me and that guy was my closest friend. I cried when he told me that. I didn't want to lose him but I don't think he really did love me. I think all he ever wanted was to play with my feelings like all the others did.

I love him with my hole heart but he never did. He made me cry a lot over him but he doesn't know or doesn't believe what I had to say. The love that I have for him is hurting me inside and out.  Making my heart hurting everyday. When he is hurt I cry for him. I really do love him, why can't he see that it isn't a lie, it's the turth.

All the smiles I have is for him. With love in it greater then anything. He makes me happy everyday but he doesn't like showing it front of his friends or family. Does his love for me is real as mine? Did I ever mean anything to him or am I just a toy doll he can just play with then throws away?

I love him but I don't know if he loves me at all. When he hugs me it makes my heart stop and when he lets go, I can still feel his touch all over me. It makes my heart beat everytime. His warmth I can still feel it all over.

I really love him, I can't help but say it everytime but I'm saying what is in my heart. He is the only one in my heart. I love him so much that it makes me cry every day and everytime we are together.

I wish I knew the love he has for me is true. We are still dating and all. I still wish I knew if his love for me is true but he just doesn't want anyone know we are dating or that his love is fake and just wants us to break up but still leads me on to make a deep wound for me to still remember who he is. Which ever one of them is true, I still love him even if he hurts me or leading me on, I will love him and that can't change for me.

This is for you and I want you to know the truth of what I want you know how I really feel for you and what I think you don't feel for me.

                             Alphonso I love you, forever and always!
 

Yesterday, June 18 2008 about 4:05 pm, I was in a truck accident with three of my best friends and one of their mother. It wasn't pretty at all. The truck rolled over a few times and everyone in the truck was okay but they don't feel to good today because they were in shock from yesterday.

Yesterday was the scariest day in my life. I didn't cry at all but I was worried about my friends and her mother. I knew that in first aid we learned that we had to keep calm and check if everyone is fine.

I was the only one calm and taking care of my best friend Jessica who was hurt, I was too, but I didn't say anything because I didn't want anyone to worry about me.

The Truck was on my side of the window and on the driver's side too. My friend Jessica wasn't using her seat belt and also my friend Brigetten. Jessica hit her head two times and I hit my head five times and I was almost got step on by her to. Jessica was really scared and wanting to get out of the truck faster then us. She was the first out of the truck.

My friend Charlene was using her seat belt and she sat on the other side of the window hanging from her seat belt. She is okay but she was hanging. So I help her and got her out. I help everyone. We were in the hospital for about three to four hours.

Jessica and I had to get X-rays of our back. I was the only one put of drugs to not go to sleep. The doctor said I can't go to sleep because they don't know what was going to happen to me since I hit my head five times and my neck was killing me also.

I was sleep over at the hospital for about half an hour. We were going to the city called Yellowkinfe for the Sean Kingston concert but when we were going there we got into an accident that we could have died from but didn't. We are doing good but today all of our bodies sore and we're all sraced to go back on the road.

This is a true story and It happen just yesterday, June 18 2008 about 4:05 pm. I wouldn't lie about this because that would be dumb and I don't want anyone to think that I was lying. So I'm telling you the truth. That this accident was real, we where all in the accident and we are lucky that we are alive today.

I'm like so happy that I've pass my health exam. I got an 84% and I didn't even study at all to even get that much. I just thought that if I try and rememeber everything I've leared from school then just maybe that I can pass and it work.

   I'm like totally happy that I pass and all but got another exam tomorrow. It's my math exams and all. I hope I get a really go mark in this exams, I really do hope I do.

   When ever it's exams time I always tell myself I want to at lest get all of my exams over 80% because that is my goal. So tonight I've to study for a bit and sleep much more at lest.

  Well I just wanted anyone that I've pass my exam without studying at all and now i got to go an study for my math exams which I'm not really good with numbers and remember to much of any schoool work. Forget about a lot of school work, to much in life to start thinking about school.

Mother was gone for cards tonight when I was going to study for my exams tomorrow. I wanted to study at home by myself but Mother didn't let me. She just made me babysitting for her. It suck because I don't know to much about Health.

    I was so mad at Mother for letting me babysitting until 2 in the morning. I didn't even study all weekend because of Mother lettin me stay with her and babysitting while Mother goes and plays cards.

     Now I have to go to school without knowing what this means or what that means. I'm not smart or nearly dumb. I'm just between but I always forget about things I lear in school because life outside of school is taking up to much space inside my head.

    I guess I'll just have to wait until Monday to get all my answer back. Better take a good look at all the wrong and right answers. Until then I better get some sleep. It's to late for me to be up and I've to get some sleep for my exams right in the morning at 9 am. The exam I didn't even study for. Please do wish me luck, cause I'm gonna need it.
                
                       Good Night

                      Love,
                              Alexis

Same old things as always. I really do hope for something new to happen but I don't know because I'm still living in the same old life as always.

           Mother is gone for the night and sister(Nichole) is asleep but it's sure is pretty old news like every other day. I hope sooner or later Mother would come home but not till Sunday.

           Everything is so quet and all. I'm kinda wish I was with Mother or if she was home but she isn't. I hope Mother is sleeping well and I really do hope she doesn't worry for me and sister as Im worried about her right now.

          I do hope for someone to talk too. I'm sad inside and out with no one around. When will I be happy again? Please tell me sooner then later because I'm crying tears right now.

Father thinks everyone can forgive him when nobody will. Everyone doesn't want anything to do with Father. Everyone in town calls him crazy, I don't know why but I think it's because he always drinks with the money he gets.

      Why use money for alcohol when you got a family. Father never thinks about anyone when Father gots money in one hand and a beer in the other. I think Father only thinks of his baby(his beer.)

      Father is know to me, a guy I never met before if friends ask about him. But in real life all my friends, my best friends, know who and what he really is, a drunk.

     All my friends know that and I don't even have to tell them Father's name, they already know who Father is. Everyone knows because he is know as the crazy one.

     If Father wasn't really my Father, I would be really happy but I know Father is my real Father because of DNA. DNA I wish I never had the same as Father but i do and that is never going to change is it.

     Whatr Father ever did to everyone in my family, I don't think we'll ever forgive him for it. Everything he did was unforgiving to all of us that it's making us wanna to run away and never to looked back, not once.
   
     I call Father crazy and Mr. Unforgiving. That is what he is know in my book.

I forgotten about my exams next week because my families plan for the ended of the school year, is taking over my thoughts. I hope everything Mother said will happen, if not then why did Mother say things that I wish would happen. To get away from Father who was always giving us so much pain every day.

                I really hope Mother doesn't change her mind at last minute like always. I really just hope she doesn't do that anymore and I do hope that those people really do help Mother with things she needs to get help with. Mtoher is the person who bought me into this world and all. So it isn't like me to act like this every once in a while but I just want Mother to be happy like she did before I was born.

               Mother was always happy before I was born. I knew she was but I never knew that she'll ever tell me. Things Mother said is all in my mind and i keep everything she say now days, in there. It's Is all I keep on thing about and my exams are gone from my head the most.

               Exam is the worst. I don't know much about my classes. Everything I have to rememeber now in all my classes. I hope everyone of my friends pass through. I really do because I know in my heart they are very smart. And everyone knows Charlene is gonna pass because she is a smart-ass and all.

              Well this is all I'm gonna write for now. I'll write a new one later.

Mother is out and so is sisters and brothers. I'm alone in this big house without anybody. It just makes me lonely. Here inside a dark room, with feelings of saddness. I want to run and look within the water and try to find uncle(Richard)

          I miss him dearly. I wish it wasn't his time to go but it was. Why did he leave and make everyone sad in this family? If only life it self can tell us when it was peoples time as come but it can't tell us at all.

          I can't sleep without a dream about him. If only he was here and it can be the same as it did back then but now everything as change over the past two years. 

          Why do i feel it's like me who should have been gone not him at all. If only it was me in his place then I would be so happy, really happy. But every now and then I'm always thinking about how would mother feel when I'm gone and not him?

Father came back home just now but mother told him to go with all her might. I looked at her as she become strong and told father to leave and never to come back home or mother was going to call the cops.

     So father listened and left saying he'll never come back but I knew he say that and try to come back home the next day or so. Mother said she got scared and don't know if she'll go to sleep to night again.
    
    Mother is very tried but scared at the same time. I really do hope she'll go to sleep tonight through, really I do.

I'm crying because of all the sad things that happen to me in the past but I know I can never tell. I said to myself a thousand times that I'm hurting because of it and I do know that it's the right thing to do and tell people who can help me but how am I gonna tell people when I'm sacred about what they will think about me after I tell them and all.

          I cry every day to make time past and so that life can go on without me. All these tears will be what I only do and I sure don't want, crying to be the only thing in my life. I really don't want it to be.

         Just let me cry untilI can't cry anymore. So that when I see the sun I know I have to put on a fake smile.

          Everyone knows that my smile is fake but they don't say anything at all because they don't want to know anything about me. One fake smile is all right but every day I have to put that smile back now, it's not a good feeling to get use to that no good smiles at all.

          Just let me tears go on and on till I want to stop and start telling people why I'm always hurting every day. Just until then let these tears go on.

The Faker is my so called friend, Charlene. She trys to be everyones friend and what to be who people turn to. She thinks she got it bad in her life but she doesn't.

She doesn't know what it is like to live every day with pain and hungryness. She got everything I wish I had but don't. She got money and food while I got nothing at all. She thinks everyone in her family hates her when they all love her. She thinks she got pain when she doesn't.

              I don't know why she wants to be a faker and all but why doesn't she see what she got and look at what I got and start thinking that she can't just see everything she has is what I really want.

              She got to start thinking about it and all. She can't just go around and tell people that she is Emo when she has a lot of nice things and a loving family that buys her everything she wants and needed. Money is a no problem to her but it is to me and family, they loved each other but she acts like they don't love her when they really do love her.

              All I ever wish is that she has to stop trying to be everything and stops telling people lies about her family and all, becuase it's not has bad has mine and my very bestest friend Jessica. Charlene has to stop lying and start thinking what she got is much better then trying to be a Fake Emo, when she isn't one.

              It makes me very sad and really mad that she wants her life to be so much like mine and trying to make it look much worse then mine when it really isn't. This is really sad for me to write but all I ever wanted was to know why she wants her life to be just like mine when I don't get love like her or money like her or anything every time when I'm in the ctiy.

             I got to stop wrting right now, it's just making me cry about what I'm writing and all but please do this Charlene stop trying to be me when you can't. When you got everything I ever dream about wanting.

Something is changing within my family. Mother isn't going to back down now, thats for sure. Ever since I have came back from Social Services(long story and it was about 2 months ago in March.) I don't know the plan yet but mother has talk to me and everything.

          She said a lot of things she would never say to me. All the old stories about her past she told me and we talk about four hours. I never knew mother would say things to me that I never really would hear from her at all, really. She said she was always like that becuase of father.

           Father was the only person she didn't like at all, she also said that is why she was always getting mad at me. It was because I looked a little like him and all. She doesn't like being with him at all and that she was sorry about everything she did to me in the past and now.

            I didn't believe it when she said "I'm sorry about everything Alexis." I thought I was just hearing things when she said that she is sorry. I never knew that she knew what those words ever mean but she does and she finally said them to me and meant them too, really.

            Now the plan is what mother is thinking of every day and trying to get away from father and all. Mother's plan is to run away, that is what she said to me. Now I'm thinking about it to and my older sister, Nichole is thinking a lot about it too. I hope this little plan of mother's would work.

             So now I got to wait for this plan and then make it work and all.

i cried myself to sleep again and i didnt want to tell anyone because my dream scary me and i jus didnt want anyone to know that. i quiting stop my tears they jus keep on coming until i heard my mom and dad fight again, i had to fake being asleep as always.
i try thinking of sum thing to not hear the yelling of my parents but nothing stop the yelling coming to my ears. it was so loud that my "father" woke up everyone in my house. he was talking about how everyone hated each other and then my "father" start yelling about how my 2nd older sister(jus because that not her kid in our blood line) hates him a lot and say a hole lot of things about him.
i didnt hear anything but my sister crying right across of me. i was looking within deep in her eyes and saw it red, deep red and she was scary that he was gonna come to her and hurt her but i knew he wasnt gonna do it. so then i got up and went downstairs and look at my "father: looking within my brown eyes giving me a dirty look that i knew he didnt want to see my face. my mom told me go back to sleep but my dad got up and went to me looking into my eyes still. he said "wat the f**k your doing down here" as he looking at me and i knew he wanted to scared me but it didnt work.
as a look at him all i saw was a small guy(well he is not really small he is about 6'2 feet) trying to scary his own kid. but i live with his crap for a long time and i didnt want him here scary my mom and trying to let us take his crap anymore.
so i went to him and said a hole lot of things he put on me and he jus keep on tell me to get my a** back upstairs or he well have to hurt me but you know wat i didnt listen to him i was still yelling at him for putting all his pain to me.

all that pain i have inside me. no one ever listen to wat i have to say. i dont know why but they dont have time to listen to a 14 year old girl problems. i try so many times to talk to people but they dont have time for me, well not anymore.
i use to talk to sum one all the time but now she doesnt ever have time to listen to wat i have to say anymore. so i have no one to talk to about things happen to me. because i have no one to turn to anymore.

i grew up wit haters, so love is jus a word i heard of. wat is love anyways? i never felt it before, its sad but true. i had a lot of fights with my family and the only feeling was hate within the fights. within my family know one would say anything to nice or even talk to each other as much. we all jus give each other dirty looks and walk away like we dont care because that is the true about my family. we all dont care about each others school or work. we jus dont want anything to do each other.
"love" wat does it feel like? i mean really how does it feel like, im askin because i never felt love before and i wanna know wat is it like? the only feeling i ever had were pain and hate. so love to me is like giving a candy to a kid for the first time. i would giving anything to anyone if i could jus feel love but i'll never know wat it is.
i look at my friends family and their family is much different from my own family. it doesnt look different but once i step on their house, to me its all warm and it makes me happy jus a little but once i step out of their house all i could feel was nothing. all i thought was, man now i have to go home and feel all that pain again.
growing up with people that never ever show out their feelings is very hard. i mean they do show out their feelings to me. because their only feels are hate. i never thought that a family would ever have so much hate within it.

i was to young to know wat lies were, all i knew that it was word that moms and dads told their kids. so when my mom said "everything is going to be alright" i believe her but it wasnt wat she said it was going to be. everything she told me it was lie, a big lie. everything i did had to have a lie in them. the words my relatives said to me was all lies too.
no one every love me and i know that. cuz every time sum thing happens to my family they always say "look wat alexis did" or "wat have u done" its always and have been me. when anything bad happens they say i done it they dont think about who did it but they always say i done it even if i tell them i didnt do it, they jus point there fingers at me and say "she did this."

Hey as u can see my name is Alexis A.K.A Alex Lex or Emo girl im from north of canada and i mean way north where there r snow and northenlights and jus to give u heads up im not really much of a good speller but i do always try my best at everything, will if u ever heard of natives people, im one of them and i mean blood and all even the skins r all a like to native people: skin colours r brown and brown eyes for native people.
             im a native person and i love anime and music. in my life everything suckz cuz i grew up wit  3 brothers and 3 sisters. i got 2 older sisters and 1 older brother. 1 younger sister and 2 younger brothers. my family is big and i dont like it cuz their r like never much room for anything.
          i have one dream and one dream only. and that dream is ............. will if ur my friend ill tell u this but i cant tell u cuz u might or might not be my friend. will the only thing i hate r my 2 younger brothers and my so called "father" but my "father" is who i really hate jus to let u know that. i hate my "father" cuz he only ever thinks of himself and nobody else and thats the truth cuz ill never lie about sum thing about that.
            my message to u is that im native and i love anime and music and that i hate my "father" but im really am a nice person even if its like im not im really am. im nice to everyone and everything. thats was my message to u people out there. now thx for reading wat i jus wrote about my life so far.