I did do something, I didn't move out or get a job. I went on a vacation for 3 weeks. If I was asked when I came back if I liked it I would of lied. I know it's bad but it was my initial respose to the question now, well now I don't lie.

It was ok. After spending almost two months thinking about it. I have regrets for the first time in my life. Yet it's not a regret about things I did but about things I didn't do.

Like tell my brother to eff off when he tried to make me do things his way.
Just go up north without being afraid.
Not let my parents control me even if we were thousand of KM apart.
Stop being afraid and second guessing myself.

Next vacation I'm not going there. I spend roughly about 2500 dollars canadian and well it wasn't worth it. I know someone who went to CUBA for 10 days, plane paid, hotel with food and everything included in the low price of about 700 dollars. Now that's a lot better.

I'm not saying that if I could go back in time, I wouldn't go. That's not the case it's more of I would tell myself to just do things without worrying. I had spent the past eight years wondering if life would be better for me there. If I had a place in Romania  and I discovered I don't. While I've lived in Canada I still don't fit in, at least now I don't wonder about whether or not Romania would of been better for me.

I'm happy I went, I'm sad I went, I'm just ok with discovering and not questioning the current situation, the what if I would of stayed in Romania part of my life has vanished.

...I need one, because part of me wants a vacation, or to move out. Basically I need some time apart from my parents. Actually from everyone. What I want is to be able to not do anything or talk to anyone. Just enjoy myself. Read a book without technology around. Not have a cell where people can call.

I know the first question would be what does this have to with a JOB?
Well I need money to do those things. But moving out is harder then actually going on vacation. I don't know what I'm gonna do what I'm going to decide. I'm 18 and it hits me sometimes that I can just up and move. Without anyone arguing about it.

Where would I go if I went on Vacation?
I have no clue I would love to rent a cabin somewhere and have no one around me. For miles. God it sounds like heaven.When I close my eyes I can just picture it and it's making me wish life was easier. That society didn't move at such a fast pace anymore. If only I could go back in time.

A while ago maybe a week I had a lot of anger, and I starte punching the punching bag at work. That resulted in my knuckles getting scraped. Which now hurt a lot. I wear a bandage. and whenI get asked what happend I feel braver stronger that I can say I was boxing.

I want to learn to box, to deal with everything that goes on in my head. Since writing has started to not be enough.

I want to learn a lot of things but I never do it. I never take time and say I'm gonna learn this. Maybe I will one day but half the time I don't believe there is enough time in the day for me to do it. The reason could be because I sleep a lot. But I'm not worring about it now, the heat in the computer lab is making me want to fall asleep.

...for some reason I've fallen inot depression, could it be because my ex bf was hanging out with a girl yesterday and I was told about it?

Could be it was just sort of like, I haven't replaced him. I've tried but it hasn't happend and he has, he has a new gf. And all he said to me was that he needs his movies back.

I have no clue what is really going on with me maybe I'll figure it out but I know last night I fell asleep crying for no reason, actually sobbing, and I want to figure it out.

Maybe watching the Telenovela that I'm watching now is making me the way I am. Part of me thinks I broke up with G because I was watching Muneca Brava and it made me realize I want more then what I had. Maybe I'm trying to get what is ungettible. I have no clue.

I've been so busy in the past month or so. I haven't really been able to take a moment to myself to do nothing. Ok so maybe I'm fibbing a little but it feels like it. I've been going to doctors apoioment. After the pregnancy scare, I'm still late so I'm still worried about what is happening.

Mom finding out about the pregnancy scare was the scariest thing. Really she wouldn't stop talking about it for about a  week, non stop everyday.

Been trying to find a job,  my mom gave me a solution. Go to church so the priest can clense you.
that was my reaction. Will I do it? Maybe still deciding about it.

I've been watching a new Tv show again, it's a lot of fun I love it. I've been watching it in spanish which means I can't understand many things  but I catch on to the main topic of conversation in a scene. I've also been writting  my own spin of.

Seriously I need to do something on my own. I need time away from everyone around me. I wish I had a driver's liscence I would scrape up a hundred bucks and go for a ride somewhere away from everyone, technology,people, noise. Have you ever felt that? Felt that the whole world was touching you was so close to you if you turned around you wouldn't be able to breathe because everyone is there. That's what I'm feeling now.It's not a phobia it's just a feeling that I want to get rid of sometime soon because it's making me feel very unconfortable.

I have a feeling I'm on the edge of depression. I have been for a while. and I can't get away from it. I'm trying but I can't. Maybe in a while I will be able to. but right now I want to spend time by myself like I used to when I had no choice when I had no friends when no one called and no one cared if I was alive or not. It's sad to say you miss those times or even that you've had them but I do everyting was so much simpler no one questioned anything. No one wanted to know how you feel and no one asked if you were ok. It was just you yourself. And no one mattered.

Does this mean I'm becoming cold and bitter? Could be. After breaking up with my boyfriend my mother told me that I would become cold and bitter. Did I wonder if she was right? of course and a part of me agrees with her. And I think she is so right. But I wouldn't mind. It would mean I would have no one to dissapoint and no one to count on me at all.

Maybe I'll figure stuff out.

Ok what is going on in my life? I'm been so busy I haven't been able to slow down, doctor's appoiments almost everyday, for the family, which results in me having to go with them. I've been watching Muneca Brava I actually finished it today. I cried for about 2 hours since there were two episodes right before the end that were so touching, I couldn't stop myself from crying. Now I'm trying to relieve the moments that were the best.

I've been so tired. Work hasn't been that tiring but I've been working out after work for at least one hour. And that can have it's toll on anyone. I've lost a little bit of weight it doesn't show on the scale but is shows in the pants. I ahve a tighter backside now, lol.

I've been putting off dropping a resume at a placement resume, maybe because i'm tired of getting my hopes high. I actually considered starting a cafe. Sort of half Discoteca, which is a dance bar. I love dancing but really there is nothing that people under 19 can go to. And from what I've seen the places here are bars not dancing places.

I'm going to bed now for the first time before 4 a.m.

Next week I'll be working more on the Romanian part of this site, I feel bad for neglecting it, but I've just been to obsessed and tired to actually sit down and tell myself this is what I have to do. I've done my school work which is a big thing if you know me. I tend not to do it ever. Just put it off and do it in school last minute.

....worked, today. Then worked out right after work and tomorow I have to wake up early for a doctor exam, an ultra sound, and blood work.

I'm looking to lose weight because my doctor told me to. It's sad when the doctor tells you that you need to lose weight.

Still looking for a job. I got a letter saying that I wasn't gonna be hired at a factory. I knew it wasn't gonna happen.

Gonna do some stuff now, well watch the Telenovela. Gonna go to sleep sometime soon I just want the secret to be told already. It's a big deal it's keeping me on the edge of my seat. Even though I know what the secret is I don't remember what the reactions are.

I love this telenovela. I'm totaly obsessed with it. I go to bed at like 4 in the morning because I watch it. It's a spanish soap opera. Form Argentina. I'm in love with the main character Ivo. Even though he is an A-hole sometimes. I'll give a little description.

Milagros (Natalia Oreiro) lived in a monestari, because her mother died at her birth, at the age of 18 every orphan has to get work and move out.

Ivo Di Carlo (Facundo Arana) lives in a mansion, he has money , looks and everything money can buy.

Big secrets live in that family and everyone keeps them, but what is the price? Most want money most want the security of a job in the house forever. And all of them get it.

Federico Di Carlo is the head of the Di Carlo family. He is the father of Ivo and Victoria. His mother Angelica is old and has not left her room in almost 18 years. That is until Milagros is hired to take care of her.

Ivo and Milagros fall in love, but Ivo being the arogant person her greu up to be. Wants only to only sleep with Milagros because of a bet. But closer to the date she finds out and gets the best of him. But in the mean while he falls in love with her. And she falls in love with him.

Circumstances makes it imposible for them to be together. She is a maid and he is the rich. The old story, in the oldest books.

The twist to the story is that Milagros is the daughter of Federico. Her mother used to be a maid in the house, and he let her preagnant. The woman ran away and had her baby and died.

People in the house know, people in the house hate her. But she and Ivo suffer because the complications of the people in the house make it impossible for them to truly love eachother.

There are about 270 episodes and I've seen only 130 so far. I used to watch it when I was a kid. I'm really obsessed with it. Making me tired and stuff but I cry and I laugh and I enjoy watching hoping true love will prevail.

I'm so excited, Xiha life has asked me to translate the site. I'm excited but it's a lot of hard work. I never thought it's hard to translate a page and make sure it's the right context too. It's a little time consuming, who am I kidding it takes a lot of time. But I'll be glad to say I helped. After 2 hours of work I'm gonna take a nap my head hurts been concentrating too much on spelling and stuff.

Laters.

My birthday is coming up tomorow and I am beyond excited. I turn 18 and that is a big deal since I come from a european family. I'm having a part but I don't think many people will show up, they never do. But I will try and have fun.

I get a lot of new things in my life. Like a lot more independence. My mother will stop bothering me, and I can do whatever I want when I want it. INDEPENDENCE here I come.

I've changed a lot since I've been dating my bf. He's given me confidence. I don't care what people what people say about me.

I've gotten a job, well not really a job. I help my dad clean a gym it's a lot of hard work but I do it.

I'm back for another year of highschool as a part time student. IT's ok I'm not there long enough to do anything. So I'm not connected to many things. I'm looking for a better job and school in September. I know I'm going to the University in Windsor but I want to see if I can get into other ones. I like the 4 classes I'm taking, they are really interesting.

Right now I'm really obsessed with a soap opera (telenovela) Muneca Brava, Wild Angel, it's amazing I used to watch it when I was a kid and now I'm watching it again. I guess it's making me keep away from all the things that bother me.

I'm at school and i need to get some sites that i need

www.windsorwired.org/contact_applications.php

Ok another day spent by myself. Which is ok but tomorow i'm making plans, I've talked to a bunch of people on my msn which is good. I mean ok they've helped me feel less lonely but I am watching Romace movies.

Which will probably make me more depressed. Bored out of my mind right now I'm gonna watch Mona Lisa Smile it's about to end.

That made my day and my weekend. I didn't think I was gonna get a free game anytime soon so everytime I logged on the comp I would calculate to see how many points I still need to get a free game.

I'm so excited. I was going to get Kudos but I finished that one since I was addicted to it and kept playing for 2 minutes at a time. (it autosaves after everyday that passes). So I decided to get Virtual Villagers, I'm excited and I know chances are I'm gonna be addicted to it. AGAIN.

I guess my fantesty of living on an island can come true even though it's through a computer scree, hey I'll take what I can get.

Ok I've had a headache for about 2 days and it's killing me. I know it's stress hence the last few days of my life full of drama, and there is nothing that will help me with it.

It just hurts. I'm tired of being in pain.

I have a specialist meeting in June about my pancrease, I had big problems with it and it got a little better as time passed. But I'm stil gonna go there migth be a relapse and that sucks cause my family is more scared about it then I am.

I'm the type of person that says if it happens it happens I'll deal with it then why worry about it now? IT would be a waste of time to worry about it now and then.

So ya my parents aren't home meaning I have the whole house to myself. IT's Friday and all I can think about is sleep it might come sooner then later we shall see.

Ok so this whole March Break that is coming to an end I've spent it mostly alone and thinking about me. No I'm not conceided it was more of I was thinking about my life and what I'm doing wrong and what is stopping me from being happy.

So I guess it's me I'm not happy I'm not confident but I'm not miserable. I'm more of I don't know what I'm doing with my life or what it is I'm doing wrong so the first thing I want to change is the fact that I'm loud. I'm very loud when I'm having fun. So I'm gonna tone that down a lot.

Then I say everything that pops into my head. I mean everything. IT doesn't matter how bad it is. Or how stupid it sounds so I'm gonna stop that.

I've very straight forward so I'm gonna stop that well not stop but not do it as much because it can rub people the wrong way and maybe first impressions that I leave on people should change. Maybe for the better.

I've applied at the mall to about 19 stored so I might be able to get a job. Hopefully I will so I can have something to do with all my free time since I seem to have a lot.

I'm tired right now but I might be going out later. No one is home which is probably why I"m online, since my mother believes that I should be doing other stuff. Hence I might be addicted to the internet cause everything else bores me.

Now I'm gonna go in search of food since I haven't eaten since last night. And maybe take a nap on the couch. lol.

Ok so yesterday I walked about 6 km, and I had pain in my calves since I don't do much exercise except dance a couple of songs a day (if that can be called exercise) and today I have this pain the middle of my back and it's kiiling me. No one in my family can give a decent masage. My dad is too tired and my mom doesn't really know how strong she can be, now all I can do is bear the pain.

Today I read a book "Almost a Princess" I needed a little romance. Last night I read a book "The Rogue" it was also a romance but it had me laughing out loud. And wishing I wasn't reading a book at that moment.

I've been writing a lot. I'm halfway done my book about Vampires which I absolutely adore because everytime I start writing I lose myself in it or even when I re-read it.

Synopsis:

Title: THE KEEPER

To explain this tale a person would have to understand what a KEEPER is. A Keeper is a human who can see the future and is a close friend of the Vampires. A keeper can be used again their will (since they are good) to predict the future so other families can gain power.

Joana(me lol) is a keeper. She has come back to her home town Windsor Ontario to talk to the son of the clan leader Marcus. Yet before she went to meet him she was bit by a Vampire. The rivals of the Connely's. There has never been a Keeper that becomes a vampire. Joana's family is known for experiments that have never left the molecular state because no one dared to give up imortality to find a cure for the hunger for blood. Untill her. She doesn't tell anyone and she takes the serum along with the blood of all the leaders in the history of Vampires (they kept the blood so that someone if they dare can take all the history upon themselves.) She fell into a deep coma. When she awakes there are Prophecies written about her so people vampires would want to destroy her. The story goes on as she deals with the secrets from the past, romance, and even betrayel of her friends.

I love it I don't know how it's gonna end I have finally typed up the first chapter so if anyone wants to read it tell me I can send it to you. I have about 9 chapters written out by hand and i'm thinking the book will be 20 or something like that.

This is what I do. I read and get lost in books and I write to be able to get lost in things that I want to. I love reading I have over 2000 books in my possesion maybe even more.

Maybe in my next blog I'll give the synopsis of other books I'm wiriting there are about 8 right now. They are all different that is why I think there are so many. There is a basic of trust, loss, love and discovery in each of them.

Later gonna go see who's willing to give me a massage cause my back is killing me right now.

I sat today on my couch watching "Message in a bottle." I have read the book it's amazing all I remember is the sadness that surrounds the story. I was about 1 hour through the movie when I switched it on UFC(ultimate fighting comperirion) or something like it, and I handed the remote control to my dad who was snoozing on the couch.

For the first time I decided to not watch a sad movie. So I didn't I walked into the kitchen and I fixed myself a cup of tea. While I was waiting for the water to boil I looked around the kitchen that was only lit by a small light above the sink. And I decided I don't like the light.

I finished my first cup of tea while talking to my mother. My earlier plans of sitting on my front porch were postponed. After I had read to her a newspaper article that she wanted to know about. I fixed another cup of tea and went and sat outside.

If I had not shut of the T.v. or switched the channel whichever way you would look at it I would be crying right now still watching the movie. But I went outside and sat in the wind, and slight cold.

I wanted a break from technology and reality.I got that I was listening to music and looking around my neighbourhood at all the ligts switching on and off. I just sat there for about 30 min. I didn't have my cellphone with me not that anyone called and I thought about all the things that had happend on that porch just last year. Not too long ago.

I was remembering when I told my parents that I was going for a walk but I went to a boys car and to his house with a couple of friends. Where they smoked weed and I sat there talking to them and laughing with them.

I remembered when Jaime brought me choclate cake because he told me he had some and I made the joke he should bring me some. And 30 min later he was at my front door with choclate cake.

I remember David the boy I was in love with came and talked to me, and I wanted to cry because all I could think about was the fact that he had cancer he was sick. Now he's not he's engaged and just had a baby boy.

I remember my first boyfriend coming over my house after a double shift at work just to spend time with me and meet my parents. After which waiting a week I broke up with him.

I remember Brad waiting in front of my house for me for about 3 hours just for us to make out. Which happened at like 6 in the morning.

I remember the first time I went on a date. I got in the boy's truck I think his name was Jayson. He came all the way from Chatam to take me out. I got in the car it was sightly raining, and I took him by surprise I struck my hand out at him and said Hi I'm Joana and he froze. Nothing happend of course because a week earlier before New Years I told myself I will not kiss boys the first time I meet them. Like in the past.

There are so many things that ran through my head and all those first the people that it involved well I don't talk to them anymore it's as if everything fell apart. They moved on and I stayed there in the same spot.

The whole ME time made me think I'm at fault there is something about me the way I meet people I just let it all out there and that makes me unwanted cold be the right word

I've decided I love the light but I'm choosing darkness.

ok so the story goes. I was a big fan of Orlando Bloom which led to many posters on my wall where at one point I would sit there and look at them when I was bored. I know no life. But today I was doing major cleaning in my room and decided to move on.

I mean posters are on the wall so you look at them and as far as I could remember I had not given them a glance in along time. So it was time to move on.

I took them off and they are in my closet on a shelf. When I used to like Orlando Bloom and look at him on my wall daily was a long time ago. And now I've realized I've grown up and out of it. I wonder what I'm gonna change next.

Maybe take off my regret wall (a wall in my room where I write things I regret doing or not doing kinda of a reminder.)

I was thinking to fill my wall space. I hate blank walls with lyrics from different bands and songs.

Or maybe it could be the plan for the next book I'm writing since I am in the process of writing 7 at the last count.

Ok so I found one. In my house. I know I'm an idiot but before like about 4 months ago I would not have worn it but I've lost some weight and I have the dress that looks good on me, and I have a little add on it's sort of a cape, see through that will work to cover my arms.

I'm getting excited but if not a lot of people go me and Maria might not go and it sucks. Yet there is prom to look forward to and the date is DRUMMMM ROOLLL June 1st. I need a date any offers lol.

Ok went out for dress shopping today, skipped my afternoon classes. I need two dresses one for our semi and one for prom but I hate dress shopping I didn't look that good in some of them but I found a couple of dresses that I loved. I might go looking again when I have more time it was actually fun cause I went with a friend of mine and she made me feel awesome when I tried one of them on.

Instead of pointing out all the bad things that happened when the dress went on she complimented me.

Am actually lookingforward to going out to Semi still trying to decide if I need a date not for semi but for prom sure.

Semi is March 30th.

25 more days.

Ok honestly this weekend has been so boring I don't even know why. All I've done is stay at home, and watch TV it was very relaxing and I'm still tired. I'm looking around my room and it's  a mess but I'm so lazy to clean it up.

Was actually planning on going skating but the weather sucks, there is a sheet of ice on top of everything because it started raining follow by a weather drop. So tomorow walking to school is going to be so much fun yey can't wait.(note the sarcasm).

I don't know what I'm gonna do probably gonna go watch a movie AGAIN or play a game till my stupid computer shuts off, another thing that has been pissing me off lately.

Meh...(using the phrase I hate when people answer my question with it)that's life. RIGHT?

Wow, let's see how long I can keep this up. How do you keep up? everytime I try to keep a blog I always forget about it well not forget but like omit to write I guess. I don't know maybe I'll keep this one up who knows? I sure don't well not yet anyway.